Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
