i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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