I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
