Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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