just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
