Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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