So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
this will be a night to untag.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
