and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
