Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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