I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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