be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
