But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
