does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
