i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize