he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
What a dumb baby whore.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
