saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
