I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
