I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
