i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
