So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
