matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
