I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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