So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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