I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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