Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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