So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
