i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
