I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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