My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
