I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
