so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
