thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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