oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
