I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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