we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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