I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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