why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize