mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
