I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We were destined to go to rehab together
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
