dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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