the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
