So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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