Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
