the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
