her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
