theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
