At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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