Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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