It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
