When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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