I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Shame is for Republicans.
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