Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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