if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
handjob tips. give me some.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
