i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
