I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
