So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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