I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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