Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
