You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
