Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize