You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
