my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
