I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
