I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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