matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
