I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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